Who really needs, or even uses, a gift guide these days? You know your loved ones far better than I ever could. Want to get them thoughtful presents? Put some thought into it.
So, instead of struggling to come up with ultimately unhelpful – possibly even unsuitable – suggestions for you, I’ve decided to indulge myself for a change.
I’m lifting the covers off my true, in some cases irrational, desires this season, to show you the tech that gets me as giddy as a kid at Christmas.
Nike Alphafly 3 Eliud Kipchoge Edition
The new year means resolutions to get fit. But if I’m going to ask Santa for a pair of shoes to get fit in, then I want them to be so good that wearing them feels like I’m cheating.
Actually, these shoes are cheating. Take these ‘super trainers’ to any kind of proper race and officials could stop you from running. That’s why, when their namesake ran a marathon in under two hours while wearing them, it didn’t go in the record books.
They work much like Go-Go-Gadget springs shoes, soaking up the force from your footstrike and putting a bit of a bounce into your next stride.
Balmuda, The Kettle
“What’s a reasonable amount to spend on a kettle?” I’ll be honest, it’s not a question I thought I’d be asking myself in my middle age. I’d hoped “should I take the Lambo or the Ferrari?” would be more like the sort of decisions I’d be making.
But alas, no. Instead, I’m wondering what might temper my partner’s anger when I explain that I spent… sorry, invested... almost £120 on a kettle.
Balmuda specialises in day-to-day tech engineered to be as close to perfection as they can manage. The Kettle, Balmuda says, is quiet, precise and smooth: “a refined experience from first boil to final pour”. That might well sound like marketing brainrot to you, but to me it sounds like something I need in my life, especially first thing in the morning.
Ninja CREAMi Ice Cream Maker
Every time I leave the doctor without a diagnosis of diabetes or high cholesterol, I feel like I’ve won the lottery. Having ice cream on-demand at home would tip the balance, I fear.
That said, if a white-bearded, red-suited benefactor were to deliver one, it would be a waste not to see if a bread-and-butter-pudding-flavoured ice cream would be as good as I think it is.
The Creami takes whatever liquid you put into it, freezes it and turns it into ice cream within 24 hours. As if that wasn’t bad enough for my blood-sugar levels, it can also make milkshakes, sorbets and slurpees. Fancy a daiquiri, doc?
Super73 R-Series
The Super73 looks so good that my biggest worry is that I might look stupid riding it: a bit like putting a gorilla on a tricycle (not that we condone such things). This e-bike has suspension, chunky tyres, a top speed of 45km/h (28mph) and a range of between 64–120km (approx 40–75 miles). You can even get a dedicated cup holder for it!
NEO Home Robot
A few years ago, I adopted a very fluffy dog. Now I have a fluffy house to match her. I’m entrenched in a war with the fur she sheds.
Hence, a $200 deposit and $500-a-month subscription is starting to look like a reasonable fee to turn the tide in my favour. For a fur-free home, I would let this eerie humanoid robot, dressed like a sock with eyes, into my home, hand it a vacuum and never look back.
Only, having read my Asimov, I’m slightly worried that it might decide there’s really one solution to ending the conflict.
Gozney Trend
I used to think camping was about simplicity and getting back to nature. Not so.
British camping, it seems, is all about seeing how much stuff from home you can take with you and put outside. I’ve seen people unload three-piece suites, a full-sized candy floss machine and even a wardrobe with clothes inside. So a portable pizza oven shouldn’t raise any eyebrows, especially when it’s this handsome.
Plus, with its telescopic tripod legs fitted, it looks like it’s come straight from the set of a War of the Worlds remake.
Spyrathree
This would be one of those packages that, were I to unbox it at home, would require me to explain to my partner that I have a serious job that requires me to do serious product testing, regardless of what the product might be.
Whatever your home situation is, I suggest you rehearse your justifications for needing a water pistol as a fully grown adult. Make them convincing and the SpyraThree could be yours.
It’s “the pinnacle of water blaster tech”, according to its makers, which sounds exactly like the kind of thing that would appeal to a parent locked in an arms race with their kids. I don’t have kids, but I want one nevertheless.
Dyson Supersonic R
“Why do you need a hair dryer?” my partner asks. My hair might be thinning, I tell her, but that just makes the aesthetics even more important.
Besides, I’ve recently learned that leaving your hair to dry naturally damages it, and mine needs all the help it can get.
According to the experts, you’re best off drying your hair with a low heat from half an arm’s length away, ideally with a diffuser attachment.
You could probably achieve this with most hair dryers, but the Dyson has airflow and temperature monitors, and RFID chips in the attachments so that it can adjust its performance to achieve different styles. Excuse me while I work on my quiff.
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