How do you navigate the awkward territory of ending a relationship that’s no longer working? Do you fall back on the old line of “It’s not you, it’s me” to spare the person’s feelings? Or is honesty the best policy?
These are never easy decisions to make and have dominated conversations for decades. However, with advancing technology, people are now turning to AI to help with important life choices, relationships included.
Interestingly, ChatGPT will soon no longer be able to tell people to break up with their partner, although it will still ‘talk through’ relationship issues with users.
We often think about a breakup as sudden, and it can feel like that if you’re the one being dumped. But for the person ending the relationship, it is often a prolonged process of growing unhappiness. Research shows that a sharp drop in relationship satisfaction typically happens 7–28 months before the breakup, a phenomenon researchers call ‘terminal decline’.
Getting it wrong
Breaking up can be even harder if you feel that your partner is dependent on you. One study found that the more people perceived their partner to be dependent on them, the less likely they were to break up with them. Seemingly, some people avoid ending the relationship to protect their partner’s feelings.
A recent study identified common strategies people use when ending a relationship. The most frequently used approach is to soften the blow and minimise their partner’s distress by explaining reasons for the breakup and taking some responsibility for ending the relationship.
The second most common strategy is taking a break, giving both people time to think about how they feel.
Researchers found that the least preferred option is ghosting (referred to as avoiding confrontation in the study). This essentially involves disappearing without explanation, and research shows it is associated with poor physiological and psychological wellbeing for the person being ghosted.
But if you muster up the courage to end the relationship, how should you have that difficult conversation?
The right strategy for you both
When it comes to the technicalities, some points sound obvious, but they matter. After all, you should want to be a decent human being.
First, honesty is key. It turns out the classic ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ line should be avoided as it does not provide an honest explanation for the breakup.
Other things to think about include meeting in person. For the record, it’s not okay to send a breakup message via text or through social media.
Be empathic and think about timing – you don’t want to break up with someone right before a major job interview or during a health crisis. Consider what happens to your ex-partner after the breakup and how they might cope.
Finally, remember that once you’ve made a clean break, they don’t owe you anything. They are not obligated to answer any lingering questions you might have or to stay in contact.
So rather than tiptoeing around to spare feelings, it seems as though a clear, respectful and empathic break-up is best. Perhaps ripping the plaster off after some careful thought is better than a long, protracted and messy breakup – for everyone involved.
This article is an answer to the question (asked by Hayden Clarke, Newport) 'What's the best way to end a relationship?'
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