Are you an empathic people-pleaser who prefers to stay out of the spotlight? Do you listen to others, but struggle to express your own thoughts and feelings? Did you grow up around, or are you in a long-term relationship with, a narcissist? If this sounds like you, there’s a possibility you might be an echoist.
Echoism is the direct opposite, or flip side, of extreme narcissism. And while that may sound like a good thing, high levels of echoism can actually make life more difficult.
Echoists don’t tend to feel special and rarely meet their own needs, which can make it trickier to keep going when times are hard.
What is echoism?
Echoists will often actively avoid or reject attention. They’re incredibly empathic and attuned into the moods of others, but are prone to self-criticism and are more likely to have low self-esteem.
They can also be more reserved when it comes to expressing their thoughts and feelings, which can stem from a deep-seated fear of rejection or criticism from others.
Echoists live life "by the rule that the less room I take up, the better," says Dr Craig Malkin, author of Rethinking Narcissism.
"[An echoist's] defining feature is a fear of seeming narcissistic in any way – too selfish, too greedy, too demanding, too needy, too hungry for attention or for praise.”
So, where does the term echoist come from? To understand this, we need a Greek mythology recap.
Echoism takes its name from the mountain nymph Echo, who fell in love with a hunter called Narcissus. Due to being cursed with the ability to only repeat the last words said to her, Echo was rejected by Narcissus.
The term echoism reflects Echo's loss of voice and identity in the myth.
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- How to spot the 'covert narcissists' hiding in your life
Are narcissism and echoism linked?
Most echoists grow up with a narcissistic parent or have a narcissistic partner later in life. Dealing with the whims of a narcissist can be emotionally taxing. Research suggests that living with a pathologically narcissistic partner or family member can feel burdensome.
Specifically, Malkin describes how, as a child (and echoist), he was constantly afraid that not meeting his mother’s frequent teary or angry outbursts would result in him losing her. This fear of rejection from a loved one is a common indicator of echoism.
Malkin also explains how echoists are drawn to narcissists because they fear being a burden to others or appearing too needy. Having someone who enjoys being centre stage and receiving more attention can bring a sense of relief for echoists.
Echoism can also occur without narcissism, however, in cases where echoists grow up with echoist parents. Echoist parents often reinforce phrases like “don’t get a big head” or “don’t show off.”
Repeatedly hearing this kind of negativity can instil an imbalanced sense of shame in children rather than an ability to take pride in their achievements.
While it seems that no one likes a boastful child (or adult, for that matter), we also know that being able to take pride in our achievements plays an important role in developing self-esteem, which echoists lack.
About our expert
Dr Craig Malkin is a psychologist, lecturer of psychology at Harvard Medical School in the US and author. He has two books published: Rethinking Narcissism and The Narcissist Test.
This article is an answer to the question (asked by Helena Howard, Torquay) 'How has living with a narcissist affected me?'
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