We all think we know what a narcissist is. Some of us may even be aware of the Greek myth of Narcissus, which gave the psychological trait narcissism its name.
If you’re not already familiar, Narcissus was a handsome Greek hunter who, one day, noticed his own reflection in a pool of water and fell in love with it.
He became so obsessed with his own beauty that he was unable to leave his watery mirror until he died. After his death, the flower narcissus grew where he lay.
But this one myth, it seems, may have led to many others. In fact, experts warn that much of what we think we know about narcissists is more folklore than science.
Even at first glance, the concept of narcissism is less clear-cut than you might presume.
You see, narcissism exists on a spectrum. A few traits here and there could provide you with the necessary confidence to succeed and overcome setbacks.
But it becomes a problem – and, in extreme cases, a condition called narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) – when someone becomes preoccupied with themselves, needing excessive admiration and approval, while disregarding the sensitivities of others.
Look even more closely, and you’ll find that many of the common tropes of narcissism simply don’t hold up.
“If you think you have narcissism or believe that someone you know has it, it’s important to start by educating yourself about it,” says Dr Olivia Remes, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Cambridge and author of This is How You Grow After Trauma.
Here then are five common myths about narcissism that we need to dispel.
Myth 1: There is a narcissism epidemic among young people
Social media platforms – with their selfies, likes and holiday photos – may seem designed to make young people into narcissists.
And, for two decades, social media has been blamed for fuelling a narcissism epidemic among young people. The truth is a little different.
This myth originated in 2008, when a study claimed to have found an increase in grandiose narcissism – a subtype of NPD characterised by arrogance, confidence and ego – among US college students.
In response, Time magazine famously labelled millennials the ‘Me Me Me Generation’, branding them as entitled and self-obsessed.
But the study relied on a very narrow group of subjects, and was later discredited – after it had already captured the public imagination.
Much more recently, a landmark study from the University of Vienna, Austria, investigated narcissism among 540,000 people in 55 countries, from 1982 to 2023. The results were unambiguous. They found no increase in grandiose narcissism over time.
Researchers now see social media less as a creator of narcissism and more as a platform that attracts people who already have narcissistic tendencies, making narcissism more visible rather than more prevalent.
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Myth 2: All narcissists are loud, arrogant and outwardly confident
You might assume all narcissists are super confident and never lost for words. You’d be wrong.
Although there are plenty of loud egotists out there, there are also people who quietly manipulate their social circle, dubbed ‘covert’ or ‘vulnerable’ narcissists.
These individuals are insecure and defensive, preoccupied with trying to protect their superior self-image.
As such, they can be much more difficult to identify than their grandiose counterparts, who tend to behave in a more outwardly self-important way.
That’s why Dr Claire Hart, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Southampton, believes there may be more people with clinical NPD than current estimates suggest – that is, more than 1 in 20.
But vulnerable narcissists may also go undetected for another reason – they’re more likely to be women.
Remes says: “A woman with vulnerable narcissism may appear to be quite soft-spoken and vulnerable due to gender socialisation, but she can be just as manipulative and lacking in remorse for wrongdoings as a man with this condition.”
Myth 3: Narcissists have rock-solid self-esteem
Given their proclivity for bragging and self-promotion, you might assume all narcissists have a very high opinion of themselves. But in reality, narcissism is often driven by insecurity, research has shown.
“For a long time, it was unclear why narcissists engage in unpleasant behaviours, such as self-congratulation,” says Pascal Wallisch, a clinical associate professor in New York University’s Department of Psychology.
“Narcissism is better understood now as a compensatory adaptation to overcome and cover up low self-worth.” The traits they display are simply a way of coping with their insecurities.
Wallisch’s team surveyed 300 people – approximately 60 per cent women and 40 per cent men – with a median age of 20, all of whom answered 151 questions about narcissistic traits and self-esteem.
“We interpret our results to mean that genuine narcissists are insecure,” says Wallisch. But he adds that those with traits of grandiose narcissism seem to be more closely linked to psychopathy.
“I can’t shake the feeling that the narcissist covers up a wound to self-esteem, whereas most of the psychopaths I talked to genuinely think they are better than others,” he adds.
Myth 4: Narcissists can never change
When Narcissus stared at his own reflection, he did so until he died – not until he got therapy. Similarly, many of us assume that narcissism is untreatable.
It’s true that NPD is not easily ‘cured’, but with the right therapeutic support, people can learn to manage their behaviours and build healthier, more fulfilling lives.
Treatment typically begins with a thorough psychological assessment, before a personalised plan is recommended.
Options include cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), which targets unhealthy thought patterns; schema therapy, which traces undesirable behaviours back to childhood experiences; and mentalisation-based therapy, which works on empathy and emotional reflection.
More specialised approaches, such as transference-focused psychotherapy and EMDR – which addresses underlying trauma – are also available.
“While the road to positive change can be difficult, it is possible for those with narcissism to find some relief from their condition,” says Remes.
Myth 5: Narcissistic traits are all down to unhealed childhood trauma
Finally, some people assume that narcissism all stems from a troubled childhood. While it’s true that childhood trauma can play a part, on its own, it doesn’t turn people into narcissists.
Pathological narcissism is a complex mix of genetics, environmental factors and conscious choices.
For instance, twin studies have shown a strong genetic component to narcissistic personality traits, with heritability estimates ranging from 40–60 per cent, so it’s clear genes play a role.
And the trauma hypothesis is undermined by another observation. Many people go through adversity in their youth and don’t develop narcissistic tendencies. So, while trauma may be a contributing factor in some cases, it isn’t the full story.
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