When many of us think of psychopaths, we picture ruthless, callous murderers like Hannibal Lecter in The Silence of the Lambs. Could you be happily married to someone like that?
You might be smitten by their superficial charm. But what about after you learned the truth of their misdeeds? If you remained happily married, it might reveal something rather worrying about you.
Joking aside, and away from the Hollywood caricatures, the reality is that if you were married to a clinical psychopath (that is, someone who displayed the full mix of charm, self-centredness, manipulativeness and criminality), then the chances are that you would become one of their victims and any happiness you enjoyed in the relationship would be extremely short-lived.
This was confirmed by a study led by the University of Bridgeport, in the US, that analysed memoirs written by ten women who’d been married to clinical psychopaths (including serial killers, rapists and con artists).
Their stories all shared a similar trajectory, beginning with what the researchers called the induction phase (akin to a “fairytale” romance), followed by the commitment phase (often involving abuse and exploitation), the disengagement phase (ending the relationship, with difficulty in most cases) and then a recovery phase (often involving depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder).
In short, none of these marriages was a bed of roses.
This is the situation with more extreme clinical psychopathy, but in recent decades there has been growing recognition that certain people have some psychopathic traits but not others, or they have mild forms of psychopathic traits.
You might have heard of the term ‘successful psychopaths’ or ‘corporate psychopaths’ used for people, who often work in highly demanding professional roles (for example, as CEOs or surgeons) and have the boldness of psychopaths, but without the violent criminality.
And it’s in relation to this group where the answer to this question becomes a little more complicated – and perhaps a little more interesting.
For instance, a study by Polish researchers in 2022 surveyed nearly 2,000 women about the psychopathic traits of their partners and about their experiences in the relationship.
Crucially, these researchers distinguished between psychopathic traits associated with clinical psychopathy (they called these “meanness” and “disinhibition”) and a third group of traits more associated with successful psychopathy, which they called “boldness”.
There was some tentative evidence that having a partner with psychopathic-like boldness (imagine a confident person with ice running through their veins) was associated with being happier in the relationship.
So, can you be happily married to a psychopath? Not if they’re a Hannibal Lecter, but maybe if they’ve got the calm swagger of a James Bond.
Just one final thought – other research involving 172 newlywed couples found that each partners’ levels of psychopathic traits tended to be somewhat similar. So if you think your spouse is a psycho, think what that says about you.
This article is an answer to the question (asked by Gayle Stanley, via email) 'Can you be happily married to a psychopath?'
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