When most of us think of personality disorders, we imagine them springing from difficult childhoods – abuse, neglect or harsh environments. But narcissism is different.
A growing body of research suggests that children can develop narcissistic traits at the other extreme of upbringing: when they’re placed on a pedestal, showered with praise and told they’re more special than everyone else.
So how do well-meaning parents encourage healthy confidence without tipping into overpraise that fuels narcissism? And what does the science actually say about where narcissism comes from?
Why too much praise can backfire
It’s tempting to pin rising rates of narcissism among young people on external factors like the boom in social media. But research conducted well before selfie culture took hold shows that narcissistic traits were already on the rise. Perhaps, then, the clue lies elsewhere.
A 2015 study published in PNAS followed 565 Dutch children aged 7 to 12, tracking how parental behaviour shaped their self-views.
The researchers, led by Prof Eddie Brummelman at the University of Amsterdam, tested two theories: did narcissism emerge from parents being too cold and unloving (the psychoanalytic view)? Or from parents overvaluing their child, treating them as more special and entitled than others (the social learning view)?
The results were clear: narcissism was predicted by parental overvaluation, not a lack of warmth.
Children whose parents consistently described them as exceptional or deserving special treatment were more likely to develop inflated, fragile self-views, believing themselves superior but also craving constant validation.
By contrast, genuine parental warmth – affection, appreciation, love – was linked to healthy self-esteem, not narcissism.
In other words, telling your child they’re extraordinary makes them more likely to become narcissistic, but showing them warmth makes them more likely to become confident.
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The false self
Dr Anthony Mazella, a New York–based psychoanalyst who specialises in personality disorders, says overpraise can subtly interfere with children’s natural development.
“As children develop, they slowly learn to separate from their parents,” he explains. “And part of that separation is realising that mom and dad are separate from me, which means they’re not always there when you need them.
“That can be really frustrating and difficult to tolerate, but it’s a necessary part of development we call building ‘frustration tolerance’.”
Without that resilience, children may start to cultivate what psychotherapist Donald Winnicott called a ‘false self’: a polished persona designed to meet others’ expectations and keep parental approval.
Instead of developing a secure sense of who they are, they learn to present the version of themselves they think others want to see.
Mazella gives a practical example of how parents may inadvertently promote such behaviour: Parents often say, “I’m so proud of you” when a child gets a good grade. It sounds harmless, but it teaches children that their worth lies in meeting parental expectations.
A better alternative? ‘You must feel proud of yourself’. This puts the focus back on the child’s own effort and feelings, helping them internalise self-worth rather than outsourcing it to others.
In short, when parents over-dote, they can make it harder for children to develop resilience and frustration tolerance.
Combined with the habit of tying a child’s worth to parental expectations rather than their own efforts and feelings, this can set the stage for a ‘false self’ to emerge.
Different from other dark traits
Thinking about narcissism like this can often come as a surprise to parents, since we typically group it with other personality disorders like psychopathy or sociopathy.
“We often think about psychopathy, narcissism or other dark traits as emerging from abuse and neglect,” Dr Ava Green, a lecturer in forensic psychology at City St George’s, University of London, tells BBC Science Focus.
But the truth is much the opposite. Too much indulgence, Green says, can create a spoiled, inflated self-image: a fantasy version of the self that children desperately try to live up to, often at the expense of authentic confidence.
That’s not to say there are no overlaps between the different personality disorders, though.
Both narcissism and psychopathy can be characterised by a lack of empathy, for example. When the traits converge, the picture can be especially damaging – grandiosity may combine with manipulation, entitlement with disregard for others; or charm with exploitation, often without guilt or remorse.
Moreover, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) arises from a complex interplay of genetic, neurobiological and environmental factors. Research has shown that the kind of abuse and neglect that gives rise to other disorders increases the likelihood of a child developing NPD.
What’s unusual is that so too can the opposite extreme, where excessive praise and indulgence inflate a child’s sense of self.
Spotting early warning signs
Can you tell if a child is developing narcissistic traits? Psychologists caution against diagnosing personality disorders in children as personalities only fully consolidate later, typically in adolescence.
But Mazella says you can see hallmarks much earlier. These include an extreme sensitivity to criticism and a constant need to be the centre of attention.
Children may also become manipulative to pull focus back from parents or peers. Another common pattern is a push–pull dynamic with affection: they crave love, but often push it away once it’s given.
“You see these characteristics very early, but there’s no formal diagnosis,” he stresses, “We could say there are traits that start developing very early, and the tragedy is they often get overlooked while the underlying attachment problems go unnoticed.”
Paradoxically, many narcissistic individuals appear high-functioning, often rising to the top of professions to become CEOs, doctors and world leaders. On paper, that might seem like a great outcome for a parent.
But Mazella points out that the cracks appear in relationships. “It’s a real problem because, as a society, we tend to idolise these people,” he says. “But the problem rears its head when you have to get close to these people or actually work with them.”
What parents can do differently
The good news is you don’t have to stop praising your child – their stick man drawing of the family is amazing, after all, and thoroughly deserves its spot on the fridge. Instead, just think about how you do it.
- Praise effort, not innate talent or outcomes. Instead of “You’re so smart,” try “You worked hard on that.”
- Encourage internal pride. Shift from “I’m proud of you” to “You must feel proud of yourself.
- Allow frustration. Resist the urge to smooth every bump. Let children experience small failures and recover from them.
- Show warmth. Express love and affection freely, without turning it into a hierarchy of worth.
These steps help children develop resilient self-esteem – a stable, internalised sense of worth – rather than the fragile self-image tied to external approval that fuels narcissism.
Every parent wants their child to feel special. But the science suggests that telling them they’re extraordinary may do more harm than good. What children need most isn’t constant praise – it’s warmth, love and the chance to discover pride in themselves.
And even if you find yourself overpraising from time to time, it doesn’t mean your child is destined to develop NPD. Children and parents can adapt, and with the right guidance, specialists in personality disorders can help families build healthier patterns if needed.
“When certain conditions like narcissism are in place, there’s a common misconception that they’ll never change,” Mazella says. “We need to get away from that.”
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