Human beings are social animals. We evolved in groups and conquered the world in great big family units that we call civilisations. At a fundamental level, we need the company of other people.
So why is it that, every once in a while, I wish I had the planet to myself?
I like to think of myself as a humanist, a pluralist, a generally nice chap. But sometimes – and it’s not that infrequent to tell you the truth – I’d like the seething mass of humanity around me to just, sort of, be gone.
Of course, there are 8 billion of us, so I’m not – ahem – alone in this. The desire to be by yourself can be every bit as strong as our instinct to seek out friends and family.
Researchers even have a name for it: aloneliness. The mirror image of loneliness, it describes the negative symptoms and emotions that arise when you don’t get any real time to yourself.
Introverts like me understand it better than most, but we’re not the only ones.
The benefits of spending time alone
Parents staring down the barrel of a six-week school holiday get prickly at that time of year. People who live in busy flatshares or work in people-infested environments like schools and hospitals know the feeling, too.
And funnily enough, the idea of solitude is of interest to a lot of people. Dr Thuy-Vy Nguyen is one of them. A psychology professor at Durham University, her research shows that having some alone time is important because it puts us in a kind of post-stress recovery mode.
“One thing that we consistently see in our research is that alone time is very good for emotion regulation,” she says.
“We did a study where we induced stress at the beginning [of the experiment]. Then we brought people to a room by themselves and in just a brief period of 15 to 30 minutes, you see the calming down of all these emotions and stress.”
Interestingly, this dimmer switch on our emotions didn’t work when participants were in the room with another person. Maybe it’s because solitude is a time for rest and renewal.
Anger, anxiety and overexcitement all come with a certain amount of cognitive load, but it all seems to melt away when we get a moment to ourselves.
Nguyen even finds there’s a physical effect. “We look at cortisol as an indicator of stress, and that goes down in solitude,” she says.
A sense of calm is not the only benefit. Research during the COVID-19 lockdowns found that time spent by yourself can increase your creativity. Other work has shown that alone time can improve a person’s self-compassion and resilience.
Loneliness and solitude are not the same
All of it might sound surprising to those of us who’ve heard that loneliness is an epidemic – and a dangerous one, too. It’s been linked with poor mental health and even an increased risk of cardiovascular disease and early death.
But there’s a big difference between solitude and isolation. Loneliness is something you don’t always have a choice about. Solitude is something you can seek out and even optimise.
The first way to do that is to introduce some structure to your alone time, Nguyen says. “Sometimes if it’s empty time, that’s when people start finding it challenging.” Give yourself something to do.
In one of her experiments, Nguyen asked people to sort through hundreds of pencils, which they found preferable to sitting there doing nothing. Older research even found that people would rather administer mild electric shocks to themselves than just sit there.
Nguyen makes miniature models in her free time, which feels like a healthier option. As does reading, gardening, jigsaw puzzles or sketching.
“Start with an activity that keeps your hands engaged,” she says – but don’t automatically reach for your phone.
Nguyen is investigating whether distracting devices could interfere with the cognitive processes that happen during solitude.
“When we are alone, we have the opportunity to reflect and think about our days,” she says. “The way that phones are designed kind of captures your attention and you start multitasking instead.”
Another tip is to get out of the house, especially if it’s a busy one.
“If you’re constantly in a high-stress environment, when you’re alone, you might not be able to detach from it,” Nguyen says. “That’s why a lot of parents feel they have to remove themselves from the house. There’s a difference between alone time and personal time.”
Speaking as a lonely parent limbering up for the hectic summer holidays ahead, I can tell you that’s gospel.
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