Suffering a bereavement is one of the hardest experiences anyone can go through in life. Receiving love and support from others can make a huge difference, so it’s wonderful that you want to be there for someone who’s grieving and that you’re thinking carefully about how to help them.
Everyone grieves differently, which is part of what makes it so difficult to know what to say and do. When emotions are raw, simply being there and offering your love and time might be what they most need.
Bear in mind that research suggests we find it more difficult to empathise with others than we might think. Don’t assume you know how they’re feeling. Gently try to enquire how they are.
If you’re unsure whether they want to be left alone or not, give them options. Rather than texting “Let me know what I can do”, try something like “I could come over later, if you like?”.
For close relationships, showing up with a prepared meal or offering to help with practical tasks might be really appreciated, but always give them an opt-out (you could offer to leave a meal at the door, for instance, rather than coming in).
Also, rather than rushing in with advice or to positively reframe the situation, try to offer emotional support first. Really listen to what they say; be curious about how they’re feeling and what they need right now.
If it feels appropriate, you could use techniques that are associated with what psychologists call “active listening”, such as paraphrasing or echoing back to the person what they’ve told you about their feelings, to show that you’ve really heard them.
As time passes and you get the sense that their emotional pain isn’t so intense, it might be okay to switch to what psychologists call ‘cognitive advice’.
That could involve helping your grieving loved one find ways to express their grief and to feel more hopeful about the future – for instance, by adapting their life and routines in positive ways.
If the grieving person signals at first that they want to be left alone, don’t assume that will always be the case. Check in with them periodically in a non-judgmental way.
Having withdrawn at first, they might find it difficult to re-engage, so you could make it easier for them by reaching out occasionally.
Psychologists say it’s often helpful to find ways to express our grief and one way to do that is with the help of others.
For instance, it could be reminiscing together about a lost loved one or planning acts of remembrance for them by celebrating meaningful anniversaries or visiting special places.
So when the time is right, this is another way you can be there for your friend or loved one, offering to join them in remembering and celebrating the life of the person they’ve lost.
Remember, there’s no right or wrong way to grieve and the timeline for feeling better is different for everyone.
However, if your loved one is still severely affected by their loss after more than six months, they might benefit from professional support – an option you could raise with them gently and tactfully.
This article is an answer to the question (asked by Neal Myers, Lincoln) 'How should you talk to someone who has just lost a loved one?'
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