The thing about narcissists is that beneath that outward vanity and bravado lies a fragile ego. They're constantly seeking external reassurance that they really are special.
It usually manifests in two ways. First, they will constantly show off, so you know they’re important and gifted, and, second, if they feel their status is threatened, they’ll resort to derogating you or others.
For this reason, when two narcissists get together, the mix can be combustible – after all, they can’t both be top dog!
The fireworks don’t necessarily kick off straight away. You can probably think of a pair of narcissists in the public eye who originally got along well.
At the start, two narcissists might actually feel that they benefit from the mutual association. Imagine each person boasts about their specialness.
If they both begin by taking those boasts at face value, then you can see how each party might feel that being associated with that other outwardly successful and confident person only reinforces their own sense of importance.
The trouble is, as soon as one narcissist insults, undermines or outdoes the other, the downward spiral begins.
In psychology, this account of narcissism is known as the SPIN model – standing for ‘status pursuit in narcissism’.
The idea is that narcissists are obsessed with status and will mostly boost their own ego by being brash and boastful, but if they feel their status is threatened, then they’ll switch to a rivalry strategy based on putting others down.
Studies from the 1990s showed some of this behaviour in the lab. If a narcissist was tricked into thinking they’d received criticism from others, then they were more likely than non-narcissists to lash out, punishing the person who supposedly criticised them.
What’s more, the narcissist will typically prioritise protecting their own sense of status above sustaining relationships. That’s why as soon as two narcissists feel the other is challenging their status, an intense back-and-forth rivalry will begin.
Sound familiar?
This pattern is borne out by a mix of research. One study looked at narcissists in student teams and found that the rivalry process intensified over time, leading to increasing amounts of team conflict.
Another study of couples found that when two people with narcissist tendencies were in a pair, all was rosy if they hadn’t been together long.
But narcissists who’d been together for longer tended to have the lowest relationship satisfaction among the couples studied.
If you have a pair of narcissists in your life and you’re hoping to avoid trouble, the best way might be to ensure each of them feels their own status is elevated, rather than threatened, by the other.
This article is an answer to the question (asked by Anna Olsen, Sunderland) 'What happens when a narcissist crosses a narcissist?'
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