We’ve all seen the scene. A person walks in, lays a file down on the table and announces, ‘I want a divorce’, leaving their partner completely blindsided.
It’s a common media trope, but in reality, such pronouncements rarely come out of the blue. The signs of being unhappy in a relationship are usually there, but they aren’t always as loud or obvious as they are in the movies. It might be a comment here, a snub there – small moments that are easy to dismiss, but which all add up over time.
But spotting these signs doesn’t mean you are doomed to join the 33 per cent of married or once-married US adults whose first marriage ended in divorce. Recognising your relationship might be in trouble is often the first step towards saving it.
Here then are seven science-backed clues that could suggest a long-term relationship is heading for the rocks, so you can change course before it’s too late.
1. Finding your sex life lacking
It’s a cliché (albeit not entirely unfounded) that sex often takes a backseat in long-term relationships. Between work, family and general life admin, it can be difficult to find time for getting in the mood.
But there is a very good reason to reignite that spark: research repeatedly highlights just how important a fulfilling sex life is when it comes to maintaining successful long-term relationships.
“Sex and intimacy are really important,” says Dr Shannon Hirst, senior research lead at relationship research charity OnePlusOne. “I don’t think that can be called into question. It increases how close a couple feels, it makes you feel more in-sync, it makes you feel more like a team.”
Indeed, an active sex life was found to be one of the five most consistent predictors of relationship satisfaction in a recent study, based on data from 11,000 couples.
And it’s a two-way street. “If you’re satisfied [with your relationship], you’re more likely to have a good sex life. And if you have a good sex life, you’re more likely to be satisfied,” says Hirst.
Of course, it’s not about just doing the deed, then rolling over and going to sleep. Pillow talk and other forms of post-sex intimacy have been linked to higher levels of satisfaction, both for your sex life and your relationship as a whole.
Hirst explains it’s not so much about the amount of sex a couple has – some will have more, some will have less, and that is absolutely fine – but the fact that both partners are satisfied with it.
The good news: there are scientifically backed ways to get your sex life back on track, from scheduling it in to exploring new and exciting activities with your partner.
2. Feeling underappreciated
Feeling overlooked? That could be a problem. Feeling appreciated by your partner is a key predictor of relationship satisfaction.
Research found that participants who responded positively to statements like ‘Our relationship makes my partner very happy’ were more content in their relationships overall.
“If you don’t believe that your partner loves and respects you, it completely erodes all the behaviours that we need to be doing to keep a relationship functioning: you’re not willing to make sacrifices, to forgive, to prioritise the other person,” says Dr Veronica Lamarche, a social psychologist at the University of Essex.
“Because why would you if you don’t think this person values and respects you, and is going to support you in the long run?”
The good news is your partner may be more appreciative than you realise – a study of 205 couples found many of us underestimate how grateful our partner really is.
Sharing the love and showing your appreciation can be just as important, as research suggests gratitude plays an essential role in relationship maintenance. It can also help ward against contempt, which is known to be a strong predictor of relationship breakdown and divorce.
“Thinking about gratitude as prevention, not a cure, is a really helpful way of thinking about it,” says Hirst.
3. Believing in soulmates
Whether it is Cinderella and Prince Charming, or Noah and Allie from The Notebook, fairytales and romcoms are choc-o-block with fated meetings, soul connections and ideas of ‘the One’. But skip past the happy ending and a belief in soulmates could actually be holding your relationship back.
It’s not that so-called ‘destiny beliefs’ – viewing relationships as either meant to be or not – are inherently bad. It’s more that they can prevent us from putting in the hard grind essential to maintaining a successful relationship.
Rather than seeing a challenge as a hurdle to overcome, it becomes a sign things aren’t meant to be.
“I’d love to think that love is enough and it’s just not. Relationships take work,” says Hirst. “A good quality relationship is where people are willing to put the work in.”
A study tracking relationship satisfaction in more than 900 couples found that at the beginning of their unions, those with ‘destiny beliefs’ were happier than those with ‘growth beliefs’ – seeing relationships as something cultivated and maintained with effort. But over the next two years, they experienced a much steeper dip in satisfaction, with a rate of decline almost twice that of those with high growth beliefs.
This may come down to the fact that growth-oriented couples tend to invest more into their relationship, from making joint plans to attending couples therapy. In contrast, destiny beliefs have been linked to developing coping strategies based on avoiding the problem rather than fixing the root cause that could ultimately undermine a relationship.
Hirst describes relationships as like a plant. “We do things with plants, like nurture it, love it, give it the time and the breathing space that it needs to grow. You have to put the work in and show kindness to yourself and your partner. It’s not fun, it’s not cool, but it’s the reality of it.”
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4. Ignoring small moments of connection
Picture the scene. While out with your partner, you see a bird. You point it out to your partner, only for them to ignore you, or worse, scoff at the attempt.
It’s this experience that has led to something called ‘bird theory’, which has been doing the rounds on TikTok and Instagram lately. Essentially, it boils down to how willing your partner is to engage with you over a trivial observation – do they accept (turn toward), ignore (turn away) or reject (turn against) the attempt at connection?
It doesn’t have to be a bird. It could be asking your partner about their day, showing a gesture of appreciation or even something as simple as a wink. It is any attempt made by one half of a couple to gain attention or affection from the other.
The theory was first described by John and Julie Gottman, psychologists and founders of the Gottman Institute. Their research suggests stable couples display a much higher rate of turning towards than those heading for divorce or relationship breakdown.
That study suggested happy marriages require at least five positive interactions for every negative interaction, called the 5:1 ratio, but other studies have questioned whether the ratio is quite so rigid. The key point is that a partner’s responsiveness is linked to better intimacy.
An enthusiastic reaction from your other half when you share good news is associated with higher levels of relationship well-being, whereas ignoring or, in our online-obsessed world, ‘phubbing’ (snubbing your partner in favour of your phone) negatively impacts relationship satisfaction.
Lamarche calls responsiveness “one of the bedrocks” of a satisfying long-term relationship, but points out that “what responsiveness looks like in a relationship is going to be very unique to the microculture of that relationship”.
5. Allowing anxious, high-conflict patterns to spiral unchecked
There is a recurring theme in psychology that what happens to us in our childhood can shape our adult lives. Our relationships are no different.
According to attachment theory, the bonds we form with our caregivers in our youth can impact how we approach relationships throughout our lives.
There are four broad categories, or styles: secure (comfortable with intimacy), anxious (craves intimacy but fears rejection), avoidant (values independence and retreats from intimacy) and avoidant-dismissive (both desires intimacy and fears it).
It probably comes as no surprise that those with the latter three, grouped together as insecure styles, report less marital satisfaction and that these attachment patterns can be a warning sign if they’re allowed to spiral.
To make matters worse, research suggests anxious partners may end up acting in ways that actually distance their partner, fuelling fears of abandonment and producing a self-fulfilling cycle.
Interestingly, it’s not simply that those with anxious attachment patterns are more likely to escalate conflict – which studies suggest they are – it’s that they might actually perceive more conflict in their interactions than their partners do. When couples were asked to complete a diary, researchers found those with anxious attachment tended to report more fighting than those with a more secure style of attachment.
“If you have a lot of self-doubt, you’re more likely to read into the negativity in an interaction with your partner and that snowballs and creates issues within the relationship,” says Lamarche. “The exact opposite is true when you walk in with more confidence in yourself.”
Fortunately, for all those who resonate a little too much with the insecure styles, these are not set in stone – life events, relationships and even age can alter our attachment style over time.
The good news is that the same study found that feeling more supported day-to-day buffered against some of these effects. Elsewhere, research suggests a little friendly humour can help de-escalate tensions.
6. Focusing on your partner’s personality
When it comes to finding the perfect partner, should you be looking for someone whose personality matches your own? Or is there truth to the adage that opposites attract?
Well, the scientific evidence seems to suggest that it might not matter whether your partner is the world’s biggest extrovert or a shy bookworm, because personality characteristics (with the exception of neuroticism) seem to have a negligible impact on predicting how satisfied someone will be in their relationship.
Instead, a far bigger factor is what the researchers called ‘relationship-specific indicators’. That is your feelings around the relationship itself, such as how appreciative you feel towards your husband, or sensing that your wife is a committed partner.
These variables accounted for 45 per cent of satisfaction levels and were twice as predictive as an individual’s characteristics, such as mood and attachment style. All this suggests that how well the ‘About me’ section on your dating profiles matched up is a lot less important than how you behave in your relationship, day-to-day.
Relationship scientists have sought to explain this phenomenon with Mate Evaluation Theory, a framework of psychological processes people use when evaluating a potential partner. It argues personality may play a larger role in the earliest stages of a relationship, but as time goes on and you build experiences together as a couple, they become less and less significant.
“I think the most important thing when it comes to personality traits is really focusing on a partner who shows that they can be respectful and responsive to you,” says Lamarche.
7. Questioning your partner’s commitment
The most significant predictor of what makes for a happy relationship isn’t how sexually satisfied you are, or how often you fight – it’s how committed you feel your partner is to your bond.
Perhaps that isn’t so surprising. Not only are lower levels of commitment strongly linked to relationship breakdown, but research suggests being more committed can actually trigger partners to behave more accommodatingly with each other, improving overall satisfaction. Essentially, that means when your partner slips up, you respond in a constructive way, rather than destructively trying to tear them down or getting angry.
Higher levels of commitment have also been associated with a greater willingness to sacrifice for the sake of the relationship – whether that means ordering pizza instead of Indian or moving cities for your partner’s job. This, in turn, is linked to relationship satisfaction and longevity, provided such sacrifices are balanced and based on respect.
So, what exactly makes a committed partner? According to one study, which involved over 11,000 participants, as much as two-thirds can be pinned to three factors: How satisfied do you feel in your current relationship? Are there any attractive alternatives? And how much have you already put into your current partnership?
The latter can include time and emotional energy, but also financial assets, shared friendships and pets.
All this goes to say that commitment isn’t something you have or you don’t. It’s something you build and nurture.
And just like learning to appreciate your partner, or listening when they point out a bird, it’s often the small deliberate choices that can mean more than any grand romantic gesture.
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