The narcissists in your life believe the world ought to see them and treat them as if they are special. But this belief rests on an inner fragility, so they’re constantly seeking external validation.
Narcissists also lack empathy, and they value maintaining their positive self-image over nurturing relationships – which you may well see play out in the way they treat you.
If you find yourself in a close relationship with a highly narcissistic person, they may try to bait you into massaging their fragile egos. Here are three specific tactics to watch out for:
Love bombing and idealisation
In the early stages of your relationship, don’t be surprised if a narcissist showers you with affection and gifts in a way that feels unusually fast and intense.
They want to impress you (and maybe your friends or colleagues too) – picture a huge bouquet of flowers arriving at your office in the first week of your relationship.
They might also seem to idolise you. This can be very intoxicating, but unfortunately, it’s likely to be more about them than you.
By convincing themselves that you are extraordinarily brilliant and wonderful, it bolsters their own ego that they’ve managed to land such a special partner.
In a series of studies involving hundreds of people who’d been in relationships with highly narcissistic individuals, a team of psychologists at the University of Wollongong in Australia confirmed this early “idealisation” to be part of a relationship cycle that sadly leads into later “devaluation”.
Gaslighting
The honeymoon phase of any relationship can only last so long. Once you utter your first criticism or have your first disagreement, that’s when your narcissistic partner is likely to switch tactics and begin to put you down (the “devaluation” phase of the cycle).
Watch out for gaslighting – the use of trickery and manipulation to make you question your own judgments and beliefs. For instance, if they failed to show up for a date, they might try to convince you that they had told you they wouldn’t be able to make it.
The more they manage to dupe you in the love bombing and idolisation phase, the harder the gaslighting will be to deal with. You might understandably find it hard to believe that someone who loves you and idolises you would try to manipulate you.
Criticism and sabotage
Once your relationship hits choppy waters – perhaps the love bombing days are long gone and you’ve seen through the gaslighting – don’t be surprised if your narcissistic partner resorts to passive-aggressive behaviours.
A study published in 2025 by psychologists in the UK and US, involving over 200 people, found that scoring higher in narcissism was associated with a greater use of two tactics in their relationships – “inducing criticism” (picture your partner revealing embarrassing things about you at a party) and “sabotage” (imagine them “accidentally” forgetting to post your job application).
This would be another part of the devaluation phase of the cycle.
Passive-aggressive tactics are appealing for narcissists because they won’t care about the pain they cause you, and their hidden nature makes it easy for them to deny their behaviour and hard for you to call them out on it.
This article is an answer to the question (asked by Olivia Taylor, Brighton) ‘What does narcissistic baiting look like?’
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