Let's face it: there are difficult people in every office (we've got bad news if you can't immediately name the one in yours).
Most are just hard to work with. A bit blunt, perhaps, or prone to taking credit for your work. But some aren't merely difficult. Some are very high in narcissistic traits – or, in clinical terms, narcissistic personality disorder.
An estimated 1–2 per cent of adults are thought to have narcissistic personality disorder – so if you've worked anywhere long enough, the odds are you've crossed paths with one. The majority of diagnoses, too – up to 75 per cent – belong to men.
The chances go up considerably if you report to a CEO: one study found 18 per cent of chief executives score moderately or highly on narcissistic traits. That's at least nine times the rate seen in the general population.
Research shows the fallout is real. Employees working under narcissistic supervisors report worse outcomes across the board – lower job satisfaction, higher stress, and more negative emotional responses at work.
So how exactly do you spot one? And once you have, is it possible to hold your ground – without losing your sanity, or your job? Below, psychologists and workplace experts break down the telltale signs, the toll this kind of colleague can take, and the strategies that actually help.
Signs you’re working with a narcissist
The word ‘narcissist’ has become overused and misunderstood in recent years, often used to describe a person who is perceived to be difficult, selfish or vain.
In reality, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a clinical diagnosis, not a casual insult for haphazard use, according to psychotherapist and author Charlotte Fox Weber.
“I think it’s more useful – and more honest – to talk about narcissistic traits, and to recognise that all of us have some propensity towards them,” she says. “We all want to be seen, admired, understood, vindicated. The problem is what happens when that need becomes tyrannical.”
What distinguishes a problematic workplace narcissist from someone confident, authoritative or even arrogant is that they typically demonstrate long-term patterns of harmful behaviour.
According to Dr Sarah Davies, chartered psychologist and author of Narcissists At Work, there are nine telltale signs you’re sharing a workplace with a narcissist.
- Lack of empathy or compassion: “They really don’t care about others,” says Davies. “Narcissistic bosses, for example, will work their staff to collapse and burnout and simply replace them once they are of less use to them.”
- Grandiose sense of self-importance: This could look like taking all the credit for the team’s work.
- Fantasies and preoccupations with success, power or love: “For example, you may notice lots of talk about how great they are,” explains Davies. “They may exaggerate or lie about qualifications or achievements or their ideas about how they are going to run the business/world.”
- Belief they are special and different: “They operate and behave as if normal rules don’t apply to them,” Davies says. Essentially, they expect different or superior treatment to the rest of the team.
- Pathological need for admiration: “They will fish for compliments or praise and get irritated and resentful if or when they don’t get it,” Davies says.
- Strong sense of entitlement: They expect to be treated differently from other employees, according to Davies. “They demand extra time for projects, will take the prime parking slot, and want the best desk in the office.”
- Arrogance: “To counter deep, unconscious insecurity, narcissists will be arrogant and haughty,” says Davies. They may criticise and undermine others in the workplace in order to feel better about themselves.
- Envy: Narcissists at work are not team players, Davies stresses. “Instead of rooting for others, or congratulating anyone else – even the team's success – they will instead be envious,” she says. Some may even try to sabotage others' work or progress because of this.
- Interpersonally exploitative and manipulative: “Narcissists at work are very much a team of one,” Davies says. “They will use others in any way they can in order to get their attention or admiration needs met or in order to reach their personal and professional goals.”
“These patterns of behaviour can be overt and obvious, or more subtle,” cautions Davies. Additionally, narcissistic colleagues can be inconsistent and unpredictable, making it hard to identify them.
“The person can seem friendly and supportive sometimes and then behave very differently at other times, or act differently to different people,” Davies explains.
Research suggests narcissistic individuals at work tend to invest heavily in relationships with their managers or staff with more hierarchy than them, while creating frustration, distrust and tension among those working at the same level and below them in an effort to reach the top.
Fox Weber’s favourite shorthand definition of narcissism is unrequited self-love. “It looks like excessive self-love, but often it’s more restless and less satisfying than that,” she says. “It’s not peaceful self-regard. It’s a craving for recognition that can never quite be met.”
In the workplace, she says, that relentless need for validation can leave everyone else playing a supporting role. Colleagues end up reassuring, flattering and applauding the narcissist, absorbing blame when things go wrong, or carefully managing their ego to keep the peace.
If you’re still unsure if you’re working with a narcissist, Fox Weber advises asking yourself: ‘Do I feel like I’m doing my job, or managing this person’s ego?’
“If you are constantly anticipating their mood, softening your language, over-explaining yourself, or trying to avoid setting them off, something is wrong,” she says.
Read more:
- Does criticism hit you harder than it should? You might have RSD
- The 3 biggest signs you’re dating a narcissist, according to a psychologist
- The 5 most surprising lessons about psychopaths, from the experts who study them
How working with a narcissist impacts your mental health
You won’t be surprised to hear that working day in, day out with someone who displays high levels of narcissistic traits can be psychologically draining.
Having a colleague or boss repeatedly criticise you, take credit for your work or create unnecessary competition can chip away at your confidence and cause major stress.
“Many people describe feeling as though they are constantly walking on eggshells, unsure how someone will react or whether today's praise will become tomorrow's criticism,” says Dr Claire Hart, associate professor at the University of Southampton.
“Over time, this unpredictability can contribute to anxiety, emotional exhaustion, reduced job satisfaction and burnout.”
But sharing a workplace with a narcissist doesn’t only expose you to their behaviour – it can also alter yours.
Constantly being in close quarters with a person who displays narcissistic traits can trigger hypervigilance and chronic self-monitoring, which can trickle down into other areas of your life.
“You stop thinking freely because part of your mind is always scanning for danger: How will this land? Will they punish me? Will I be blamed? Will they humiliate me? It becomes exhausting,” says Fox Weber.
The psychological injury is often not one dramatic incident, she says, but the drip-drip of distortion: “You lose your sense of proportion.”
Those on the receiving end of a narcissist’s poor conduct can experience intense shame.
“People often think, ‘Why am I letting this affect me so much? Why can’t I handle it?’ But humans are relational creatures,” says Fox Weber. “We are affected by the atmospheres we work in. A narcissistic workplace can make you feel homesick for yourself – less spontaneous, less clear, less alive.”
In the long term, working with a narcissist can lead to sleep problems, irritability, avoidance, loss of motivation, burnout, and sometimes a kind of learned helplessness.
“You begin to believe that nothing you do will be quite right, because the goalposts keep moving,” says Fox Weber.
The trauma can linger long after your last interaction with a narcissist. In extreme cases, working with a narcissist can result in symptoms of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder).
“People come to me months or years after leaving a toxic workplace, and they're still trying to piece together what actually happened,” says Davies. “The confusion is part of the damage.”
How to navigate a narcissist in the workplace – without quitting your job
It's tempting to think the answer is simply confronting the problem head-on. Experts say it isn't that simple.
“Narcissism is a personality trait, which means it is unlikely that a colleague or manager will fundamentally change their behaviour because someone asks them to,” says Susanne Braun, professor in leadership at Durham University Business School.
Instead, she says, organisations need to create the conditions in which employees can do their work without being exposed to narcissists’ abusive or harmful behaviour.
“In organisations where the climate is very much focused on performance, being the best, and outperforming others, narcissistic tendencies are more likely to come to the fore,” she says.
“But if they choose to emphasise mutual learning and support instead, and they signal these expectations through shared norms, policies, and reward desirable behaviour, then they can nudge narcissists away from self-serving tendencies.”
On a personal level, one of the best things you can do to bolster your mental wellbeing while working with someone who exhibits narcissistic traits is to establish and maintain clear professional boundaries.
“Keeping communication factual, remaining calm during disagreements, documenting important decisions where appropriate, and avoiding becoming drawn into unnecessary interpersonal conflict can all help reduce opportunities for situations to escalate,” says Hart.
Similarly, she advises avoiding relying on that individual for validation, finding allies elsewhere at work, and involving your manager or HR where necessary.
“If someone is consistently dismissive or critical, seek feedback and support from trusted colleagues, mentors or managers instead,” she says. “Positive workplace relationships can provide an important buffer against stress and help maintain perspective.”
The bigger picture is important too – as is protecting your inner life, and everything that exists outside of work.
“Have places outside work where you are not performing, appeasing or defending yourself,” Fox Weber says. “Exercise, therapy, friendship and ordinary pleasures matter enormously when work becomes psychologically consuming.”
Finally, keep checking in with yourself, and be honest about your situation and the effect it’s having on you. ‘Not quitting’ does not mean enduring anything indefinitely, Fox Weber stresses.
“Sometimes the most strategic thing is to stay while you gather support, document what is happening, rebuild your confidence and plan your next move,” she says. “The aim is not to beat the narcissist at their own game. The aim is to remain intact.”
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